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Houston, Texas
77292-5516



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HomeNL-2011-05 Jokes
Canoe Humor

A selection of canoeing jokes

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An experienced canoeist is taking his work-mate out for a first trip in an open. The experienced canoeist, obviously, is sitting in the stern; his pal, the novice, is in the bow seat. As the current picks up and the waves get bigger, the novice turns around and asks, apprehensively; "If the boat tips over, will we fall out?"  "No!" replies the other, "We'll still be friends!"
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The group have all got their boats sorted, kit stowed and are impatiently waiting to get underway. One of their number, however, has emptied a huge bag of assorted types of headgear onto the ground. He picks one up, carefully examines it inside and out, and mumbles to himself, "six and five eighths". He then repacks the hat into his bag before picking up another one. He examines this one just as carefully and mutters "seven and a quarter!". He selects the next one, and the next, and the next, each time scrutinising it meticulously before deciding on a number. This goes on for 10 minutes, and his mates are getting fed up. "Come on," says one, "We're all waiting for you. What do you think you are doing, anyway!"  "Just erring on the side of caution." he replies, "I'd sooner do all my cap-sizing on dry land!"
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There was a young man from Crewe,
who wanted to build a canoe.
When he got to the river,
he found with a shiver,
he hadn't used waterproof glue.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, and it sank, thereby proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

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"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother impatiently barked. "Where is he?" "Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."

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What's the difference between a Canadian and a canoe?
A canoe tips.
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A man gets home from working the night shift one morning and his wife greets him at the door, wearing nothing but a skimpy nightie and a smile. "Tie me up," she says, "and you can do whatever you want!" So he does, and half an hour later he's on the river.
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How many kayakers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four to stand around discussing the size of the hole and one to get on with it...
How many slalom paddlers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One  to change it and three to go: "Nice Turn. Nice Turn. Nice Turn."

How does a raft guide change a light bulb?
Hold it up and wait for the world to revolve around them.
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What's the difference between an expedition canoeist and a catfish?
One has whiskers and smells bad, and the other one's a fish.

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A lovesick kayaker wrote to a dating service explaining that he had specific criteria for a potential mate and would not accept anyone that doesn't meet his standards. He went on to explain the young lady must be cute, short, enjoy cold water and paddling. He received a reply the following week. It contained a picture of a penguin.
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Boat attendant: "Come in kayak number 9, your time is up.  I repeat: come in kayak number 9, your time is up. Kayak number 9 your time is up. Please come in! For the last time, kayak number 9 will you... ah... kayak number 6, do you need assistance?"

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Two canoeists were paddling down the river when they hit a concrete wall.  One looked at the other and said; "Dam!"
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Saturday morning I got up early; dressed quietly; made my lunch; slipped quietly into the garage to hook the canoe up to the truck; and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage; turned on the radio; and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.  I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.  There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 20 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out canoeing in that crap?"
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