AUTHOR’S NOTE: The intent of this column is entertainment, usually at the expense of truth and accuracy, but I sneak in some good information as well. It is up to the reader to distinguish between entertainment and reality amidst all the circumlocution and misdirection in these sketches.
Q: What is the “kinetic chain” in kayaking?
A: This is when you get in a long wave train and your kayak is the same length as the trough you happen to find yourself in, so you get stuck going back and forth between the peaks. This is particularly frustrating when you hear a Spinosaurus bellow nearby.
Q: How can I prepare for my first Bruce Bodson trip?
A: Go on any other HCC trip, but instead of wielding a store-bought paddle, use a waterlogged, full 96” length stud-grade 2x4. Besides beefing you up for one of Bruce’s trips, this methodology has the additional advantage of simulating the feeling you will have at the end of one of his trips.
Q: What is your advice about alligators, water moccasins and copperheads?
A: Don’t go swimming when they are in the water near you.
Q: When is the next Great Oxidation Event?
A: It is March 23, 2024. It usually coincides with the Buffalo Bayou Regatta, so most of us miss it every year. I’m thinking of prioritizing the GOE next year because I think I can learn a lot more useful things about kayaking there than I can from all of the yahoos in the regatta. For example, the core competencies that are taught in the GOE focus on breathing to optimize serum oxygen levels, giving you a boost of energy if you time it right. The advanced training incorporates metered breathing into every tenth stroke as you rotate your core so oxygen can be accumulated and stored in reserve for release into your blood at a later time when you need it. This comes in especially handy for those dicey Bruce Bodson Brazos take-outs.
Q: What did Japanese martial artist and actor Bruce “Jeet Kune Do” Lee have to say about water and us?
Q: What does a happy-go-lucky alligator look like versus a dangerous alligator?
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| Happy-Go-Lucky Alligator |
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Dangerous alligator |
WORD OF THE MONTH:
Used in a sentence:
When the huge, disturbed alligator slid into the water, we all absquatulated the area.
I'm really interested in your story, but I have to absquatulate because I have to pee really bad.
GOOD ONE:
MUG O’ THE MONTH:
OVERHEARD . . .
If cats could text you back, they wouldn’t.
PARTING THOUGHT:
It’s all about perspective:
