AUTHOR’S NOTE: The intent of this column is entertainment, usually at the expense of truth and accuracy, but I sneak in some good information as well. It is up to the reader to distinguish between entertainment and reality amidst all the circumlocution and misdirection in these sketches.
Q: How can I make my kayak go faster?
A: According to Chris at Paddlegeek.com:
“A kayak hull is rough. At first glance It may appear smooth, but the closer you look, the rougher it appears. As a kayak progresses through water, a thin layer of water becomes trapped in this roughness. This trapped layer of water collides with other layers of water that are not trapped on the hull. A chain reaction occurs with still other layers of water. This all occurs in a space called the boundary layer. This boundary layer is where 99% of friction occurs.”
So, one excellent way to make your kayak go faster is to plaster lots of Lower Brazos Riverwatch and Houston Canoe Club decals on the hull to cover the surface roughness.
Q: How often should I clean my PFD?
A1: Every time you get it dirty.
A2: It’s not so important to keep it super-clean, but it is important to keep it super dry. So if you have a limited amount of time, even if you are obsessive about appearance, get it hanging in a condition that it can air out and dry completely. If you still have some time to kill after that, go ahead and spruce it up to your heart’s content.
Q: Last month you mentioned that Spinosaurus would have been a waiver-worthy hazard in his day, but he appears to be a land animal. Why would you be concerned about this creature in connection with a kayaking trip?
A: Have you checked the depth of many of our lakes and swamps? He could walk right out to the middle of one of our lakes and snatch you up. Besides that, Spinosaurus preferred swimming when the water was deep enough. It’s like the insurance adjuster’s worst nightmare. Besides that, you have to get to the water with your kayak, and his mouth is as big as an SUV with two kayaks strapped onto it. All I can say is, whichever combination of events led to the extinctions about the time the K-T Boundary was laid down, I’m really glad it happened, and that Spinosaurus was not one of the surviving organisms. I prefer the great blue heron and the little brown jobs.
Q: How often should I check the condition of my PFD?
A: It depends on how often your PFD fulfills its purpose (gets wet) and how you store your PFD between outings. For example, borrowing from the equivalent equestrian expression, when your PFD is “rode hard and put away wet”, you would be well-advised to check its condition every time you get it out. You would be better advised to make sure your PFD is completely dry before you put it away. If you notice a funky smell and a coating of blackish, greenish, greyish, blueish, whiteish fuzz or ooze when you put it on, it’s too late to fix it.
Go to Academy on your way to the put-in and buy a new one.
On a personal note, my beloved NRS Chinook PFD of several years did not pass my last integrity check, which was initiated by one of my paddling companions saying, “Hey, that pocket on your PFD is ripped.” When I looked to see what he was talking about, I saw the side of the pocket where I stow my cell phone for easy access to take photos was completely ripped out, and my cell phone was slipping out of it (see photo).
Could be time to look into replacing my PFD, or at least making some repairs.
Q: What did Japanese author (novelist, essayist) and translator, Haruki “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle” Murakami say about the contrast between water and life?
Q: In your vast experience, what is the best paddle?
A: Well, Grasshopper, it all depends on why and where you are kayaking. If you are relatively weak and going a long distance, like anywhere with Bruce Bodson, use a mildly expensive light and buoyant paddle ($107.00). They make it real easy for you by identifying the paddle by name:
If exercise is your main objective, go to Home Depot and select the heaviest twisted 2x4 you can find ($3.44). Then soak it in water for a week.
If you are concerned about appearances, get one of those gnarly bent-shaft black jobs ($525.00).
WORD OF THE MONTH:
Used in a sentence:
There are those who claim that decals are adscititious on a kayak, but Amy and I know better.
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| Amy’s Totenkopf attracts her people |
My shark’s teeth make my kayak go faster and keeps Amy away.
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Q: If a significant other looks askance at your kayaks, how can you improve the perception of the situation?
A: A kayak is an integral part of your family preparedness bugout strategy. Combined with a high capacity roof rack, multiple kayaks can be loaded with much more essential survival goods than your typical Thule or Yakima hardshell rooftop carrier, and its essential function is effectively disguised.
GOOD ONE:
MUG O’ THE MONTH:
OVERHEARD . . .
PARTING THOUGHT:
