AUTHOR’S NOTE: The intent of this column is entertainment, usually at the expense of truth and accuracy, but I sneak in some good information as well. It is up to the reader to distinguish between entertainment and reality amidst all the circumlocution and misdirection in these sketches.
Q: Who is John Galt? Your first item in last month’s gallimaufry of topics referenced a John Galt, as if I should know who he is. Who is he, and how might he go about changing the name of spray skirts?
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A: John Galt is a mysterious fictional character in the substantial novel Atlas Shrugged by Ayan Rand. Whenever anything broke down or went wrong in the book’s fictional society, causing a spell of hopelessness, the typical response, spoken and written on walls, as if in accusation, was, “Who is John Gault?” Spoiler Alert! John Gault was an inventor/philosopher/physicist/engineer/intellectual/statesman, and the first of the major creative minds to leave his society of bureaucratic placeholders, whose mantra was "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need” (K Marx). He left for parts unknown to enthusiastically continue his work of progress and innovation, and occasionally came back to convince others of similar drive and ability to join him in a form of reverse strike. He was generally successful in his recruitment efforts due to the unsustainable frustration of the genuinely talented, creative and gifted people he targeted, and society quickly decayed to a subsistence level as the pool of capable movers and shakers diminished and as infrastructure failures increased with no one left to repair or replace said infrastructure.
With that very brief synopsis as background, John Galt would have evaluated and analyzed the spray skirt from every angle and would have quickly seen its true value as a device to keep water out of a kayak under any circumstance. In his pragmatic and precise manner, he likely would have assembled some adjectives around a noun, like “Paddler-to-Kayak Gasket”, and then, in the spirit of engineering aficionados everywhere, he would have assigned it an abbreviation “PKG” (similar to the PFD we are all familiar with). He would do this to keep his Flesch-Kinkaid readability score low enough for universal acceptance in the academic world while still communicating the exact meaning of his concept.
Q: Why would you need these things for canoeing or kayaking?
A: Normally you wouldn’t need any of these things for canoeing or kayaking, unless you go on the Bodson Marathons. If you go with Bruce, these tools come in very handy for the put-ins and take-outs:
Q: What is this thing for (please see photo)?
A: This is an alligator repeller. The idea is, when you see a threatening gator, you hold onto the handles and squeeze, and the jaws open into a menacing display with their sharp, backward aimed teeth. When you wave this in front of any alligator with decent survival instincts (pretty much all of them), it will take one look at this and take off in the opposite direction. Unless it is a female protecting her babies, or a male obsessed with defending his territory. It could be argued that this device only works on the alligators that were not going to bother you anyway, in which case you could use it as an aggressive ground clamp on your jumper cables.
Q: What did Canadian writer Roderick Haig-Brown say about rivers?
Q: My kayak did not come with a rudder. Can I add one? Is there an aftermarket kayak rudder?
A: Here you go. You can get this baby on Amazon. Good luck installing it.
Q: What kayaks do you have now, and why?
A: At the moment, I am one over my wife-imposed limit of two.
I have a Necky Eliza for lakes - 15’ 3” feet in fiberglass – 45 pounds:
a Pyranha Fusion crossover to use camping on rivers -10’ 2” in High-Density Polyethylene (HDPE) - 50.5 pounds:
and a Dagger Katana crossover for river day trips - 9’ 7” in rotomolded polyethylene – weighing in at 46 pounds:
This may sound like a duplication in the rivers category, but the Pyranha is a project boat with a crack in the hull and a skeg retract mechanism that needs a new bungie. Therefore, it doesn’t count – yet. It has much more volume than the Katana, so I envision it being my go-to vessel for our progressive camping expeditions on the Buffalo River. The Katana will get a lot of use for day trips that have lots of water – Little Mo dam releases, the Caddo River in minor flood, Dragover, Cadron Creek, etc.
WORD OF THE MONTH: Oppugn
Call into question the truth or validity of . . .
Used in a sentence:
Amy oppugned my example in February’s word of the month.
REBUTTAL TO FEBRUARY’S WORD OF THE MONTH (Public Service Announcement):
Amy took issue with the usage of the February Word of the Month in her following letter to the editor:
I must disagree with your example of February word of the month.
I believe it all started when I was around 5. Peer pressures we all face to fit in. Things like skulls, pirates or fire breathing dragons are just not accepted by the in crowds. I love them all! Sadly, you just didn’t get invited to sleep overs at Becky Branford’s house if you like skulls and pirates.
Editor’s note: I did not tell anyone that I liked skulls, pirates or dragons, and I was never invited to sleep with Becky Branford.
This parti pris continued on throughout my teenage years. The girls who played dungeons and dragons were the outcasts, the geeks, the nerds. All through high school I tried out the typical crowds the jocks, the preps, gang-bangers (I grew up in Chicago, so ya, there was an actual gang-banger group) the burnouts (pretty sure that’s where I picked up the smoking habit) NEVER EVER the geeks! No one wants to be labeled that. Then later when I had children there would not have been play dates for my boys had all the click chic moms known, they would have not let their children come over for play dates under the assumption I was a devil worshiper. Making them outcasts for my sins.
Then I one day, while at a gas station with a co-worker I picked up a skull keychain, smiled then put it back down. My coworker asked me why I didn’t buy it? He saw my smile when I picked it up. I told him this same story. The next day he handed me the key chain and told me “Uh Amy, sorry if you haven’t figured it out yet. However, I think it’s time…you’re a network engineer! You belonged with the geeks all along!!
So, there’s pirates and skulls on my car, my laptop, helmet and kayaks even a pirate flag in my bathroom in our travel trailer. I find that the pirates and skulls are an efficacious way to remind me to be me. That, and they’re kinda menacing!
GOOD ONE:
MUG O’ THE MONTH:
GOOD ADVICE . . .
PARTING THOUGHT:
