AUTHOR’S NOTE: This column is intended to be entertaining at the expense of truth and accuracy, but I sneak in some good information as well. It is up to the reader to distinguish between entertainment and reality.
Q: The March 2022 Safety Minute by Harmon Everett discusses on-the-water boat repair. How far gone does a canoe have to be before you consider it in need of repair?
A: Pretty far gone, as long as you don’t have to carry anything extra behind you and the water is calm.
Q: What is a “Kayaking Brick”?
A: It is a single-purpose, application-specific decision-making tool:
Q: What is the strangest canoe paddle modification you have seen?
A: Considering the many innovations in paddle design over just the past 100 years (euro, offset, crank, wing, etc.), I think the motorized paddle qualifies as the most bizarre attempt at enhancement:
Q: As summer approaches, what are the best ways to shield yourself from the sun?
A: This one almost hurts the eyes. This would be effective from 11:00 am to 1:00 pm on the summer Solstice, when the sun is directly overhead, and you can add an hour to both ends for one seat or the other (but not both), depending on which way you are aimed. Of course, any breeze will cause you to change orientation. And, by the way, taking a cue from the automotive industry, I don’t see any cup holders in this “kayak”, so it’s a non-starter.
Other solutions of varying effectiveness include the following:
Q: What did the television talk-show host Stephen Tyrone “Ty” Colbert say that would be relevant to my Paddling Perspectives articles?
A: Ty validated my literary methodology and inclinations with the following advice and observations:
- Don’t be afraid to make things up. Never fear being exposed as a fraud. Experts make things up all the time. They’re qualified to.
- It used to be, everyone was entitled to their (sic) own opinion, but not their own facts. But that’s not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.
- I can’t prove it, but I can say it.
Q: What do we lack around here?
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Q: What does the Casimir effect have to do with kayaking?
Hendrik "Hank" Brugt Gerhard Casimir (1909–2000)
A: The Casimir effect, named for the Dutch physicist Hendrik Casimir, known to his close friends as Hank, states that if you take two parallel kayaks and put them extremely close together, you limit the kinds of vibrations that can exist between the kayaks. It’s still an infinite amount, but it’s less infinite than the vibrations outside the kayaks. Through careful mathematical tricks, you can subtract the two infinities and discover a negative energy, which manifests as an attractive force between the kayaks. This is how they propagate.
WORD OF THE MONTH: Gongoozle
Definition: To leisurely watch the passage of boats, from the bank of a canal, lock or bridge.
Used in a sentence: The creepy, foreshadowing, prepubescent banjo player in the star-studded canoeing classic Deliverance was gongoozling as the canoe club trip got underway.
GOOD ONE:
MUG O’ THE MONTH:
I never used to believe in horoscopes, but now . . .
OVERHEARD . . .
PARTING THOUGHT:
