AUTHOR’S NOTE: This column is intended to be entertaining at the expense of truth and accuracy, but I sneak in some good information as well. It is up to the reader to distinguish between entertainment and reality.
Q: Why were these winglets added to the kayak? Are they like the ones on airplanes?
A: This falls under the category of “Truth is Stranger than Fiction”. General boat design principles dictate that the skinnier the boat, the faster it will go. In a salute to the racing enthusiasts, who are willing to accept the tradeoff in stability that comes with hull “skinniness”, some pretty skinny boats were built, and they were pretty fast for the 3.4 seconds that the racers could keep them right-side-up. However, the leftist international sprint race regulators decided they knew better, and, to maintain their prime directive of “no racer left behind” (think about that for a couple of seconds), stipulated a minimum legal width (beam) standard for organized competition. It did not take the racing crowd long to figure out that the beam measurement did not have to be in the water, and they continued building their super-skinny hulls, but added these Klingon winglets to the decks to comply with the arbitrary and prejudicial beam regulation. In a side note, the regulators finally threw up their hands in surrender, and 86’d the silly rule. And that’s why you don’t see these non-functional features on the water these days.
Q: What can I do to make my back more comfortable – more supported?
A: Velcro one of these coccyx supporters to your backband.
NOTE: I can’t resist telling the truth about this one. This is actually one of a pair of “Bees Knees”, a thigh hook system affording a more secure knee fit for a better feel and added boat control in whitewater kayaks.
Q: What is a “flyak”?
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| Nessie |
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FLYAK |
A: This is a hoax, similar to that of the Loch Ness Monster - a legend with a grainy, but color-enhanced “specimen” photo of a kayak flying above the water on Lake Charlotte. It was allegedly seen only once by one person, and that same person produced the photo. It should be noted that said person
has a background in CGI/VFX, with credits in James Cameron’s Avatar and Stephen Spielberg’s Jurassic Park.
Please see the scoop by John Rich in our Waterline publication from October 2012 for the real skinny on this revolutionary boat design.
I think Bruce needs a FLYAK.
Q: Speaking of weird kayaking stuff, what is this?
A: This is a new accessory that Subaru includes with the purchase of any of their models in the “Limited” trim level. It is a paddle leash that stays out of your lap, while at the same time discouraging all but the most determined mosquitos with its constant paddle-powered movement.
Q: What did Lawrence Peter “Yogi” Berra say that would be relevant to our avocation?
A: Actually, Yogi Berra did not say this, but it sounds like something he would say. It provides a nice addition to his even more relevant (and always eloquent) sayings:
- You can observe a lot by watching.
- If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
- We have a good time together, even when we’re not together.
FYI, the first saying was a quote from the ever-popular ancient philosopher “Anonymous”.
WORD OF THE MONTH: CARP
Definition: When a paddler fails to complete his roll but manages to get his mouth above the waterline for a quick deep breath.
Carpe Diem
Used in a sentence: When I was learning to surf and flipped over, I could get the kayak up on its side, but ended up carping until giving up in a wet exit.
GOOD ONE:
MUG O’ THE MONTH:
OVERHEARD . . .
