AUTHOR’S NOTE: This column is intended to be entertaining at the expense of truth and accuracy, but I sneak in some good information as well. It is up to the reader to distinguish between entertainment and reality.
Q: What is the best knot for securing a kayak to a dock?
A: The best knot for tying a kayak up to a dock cleat is the Gordian knot. This tends to thwart casual and opportunistic thieves from slipping the traditional cleat hitch off the cleat to make a quick getaway. It also distinguishes you from a rookie – you become one of the few who really knows what he’s about.
Q: Who first came up with the idea of the draw stroke?
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| Gerd |
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Gerd's Logo Hat |
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Einard |
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Bob |
A: The first documented use of the draw stroke was by Gerd, the rebellious son of Einar, in the early days of the empire of the Cerinial Crescent. Gerd, in his dad’s canoe, was hanging out with his canoeing gang in an open area of their local cypress swamp, smoking and telling jokes, when a gust of wind blew his backwards-facing hat into the water. Rather than dive for it, Gerd stretched his paddle out and corralled his hat, pulling it toward him. It was his buddy, Bob, who observed that the paddle and hat were not moving relative to the cypress knee protruding from the water, but the canoe was actually moving toward the hat. Unfortunately for Gerd, who was focused on getting his logo hat back, he didn’t see that same cypress knee that flipped him over, and he may as well not have invented the damn stroke. It was several hundred years before the stroke was tried again (intentionally) and became part of the essential canoeing “toolkit”.
Q: How do you prepare for the weather you might encounter on a paddling event?
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Hour-by-Hour Forecast
by Travis |
Click on image to enlarge.
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7-Day Forecast
by Chita
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Segmented Day Forecast
by Chita |
A: At a certain point in every news broadcast, you will notice a segment designated for forecasting the weather. You should watch this very carefully, paying particular attention to the statistical indicators that protect the weather spokespersons from lawsuits. You will hear phrases in the forecast for the next day like, “There is a 30% chance of thunderstorms at noon”. This means there is a 70% chance that something else will be happening at noon. What, exactly, that “something else” might be is never mentioned. In terms of accuracy, I find the photo of Travis especially humorous because he shows temperatures for 4 PM and 6PM in the table that are different from the seasonal graphic temperatures in the headstones. So, you should prepare for hot weather, cold weather, wind, sleet, snow, hail and rain, and bring a dry bag full of dry clothes and a towel, no matter what the weather forecast shows.
Q: Where and when and by whom did whitewater kayaking get its start?
Salzachofen Gorge
Birthplace of Modern Whitewater Kayaking (Calm Stretch)
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Adolf Anderle Jr
Viennese Kayaker |
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Adolf Anderle the Elder-
Austrian Politician |
A: The generally accepted birthday of intentional whitewater kayaking is September 6, 1931, when Adolf Anderle of the Academic Kayak Club of Vienna, after scouting the Salzachöfen Gorge for several years, finally decided to go for it, launching himself down the gorge when the Salzach River’s Salzburg gage was at 121 (flat rock way underwater). In an ironic twist, after his successful stunt, from which he survived virtually unscathed, his father, a prominent Viennese politician, beat him to within a few centimeters of his life for risking his well-being in this reckless manner.
Many believe the brain trauma Junior sustained from his father’s dramatic expression of disapproval affected his judgement and situational awareness, contributing to his death less than 5 months later when he was skiing on the Gameringalpe near Liezen and toppled over a 60-meter cliff. It is indeed unfortunate for Adolf that his jump did not have the open, groomed and perfectly sloped surface of the drop in James Bond’s “The Spy Who Loved Me”.
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The Jump |
Adolf’s trip report for the Academic Kayak Club of Vienna can be found here:
https://kanu-oberbayern.de/voriges-jahrhundert5.html
. . . and here is a link to a more recent video of some guys running the same Salzachöfen Gorge in 2016 with the Salzburg gage at more manageable 90 (flat rock exposed): https://vimeo.com/145316933
Note that there is still plenty of active water in this river, even after “they” build a dam upstream.
Q: What did Chuck “The Mudfog” Dickens say with respect to “Paddling Perspectives”?
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| Chuck |
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A: Chuck said, “Ask no questions, and you’ll be told no lies.”
Frankly, I view this as an unreasonably optimistic concept. I concede the point that this may have been more accurate in Chuck’s Day, but in our day of the 24-hours news cycle, you can simply turn on the TV, and whether commercial or actual news, within minutes, someone will be lying to you, unsolicited.
WORD OF THE MONTH: OBDORMITION
The concept here is to enhance your enjoyment of paddling by putting words to your heretofore pitifully inarticulate attempts at articulation. With that context in mind . . .
Definition: Obdormition: Numbness in the limbs caused by a momentary lack of movement. Also, the “pins and needles” feeling that accompanies the same numbness.
Used in a sentence: As Joe and I get to the takeout, we often have to extract ourselves from our cockpits slowly and carefully in phases because of the obdormition that has set in.
Joe Working on his Obdormition
I include the above visualization as an accommodation for those who are more oriented toward visual learning.
GOOD ONE:
People say nothing is impossible,
but I do nothing every day.
MUG O’ THE MONTH:
. . . many of them unintentional
OVERHEARD . . .
