AUTHOR’S NOTE: This column is intended to be entertaining at the expense of truth and accuracy, but I sneak in some good information as well. It is up to the reader to distinguish between entertainment and reality.
To enlarge, click on image.
Q: How old is the oldest canoe in the world, and where is it?
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| Oldest Canoe in the World |
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| Cheddar in the Stern |
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Kennywick - Bow |
A: The oldest canoe is carbon-dated to around 10,000 years old, and it was serendipitously discovered in a storage room of a museum by docents David and Sandy in the Netherlands (that means a land way, far away from here – finally, a geographic name that perfectly describes the place). Dave and Sandy went on to find what was left of the bodies of its two paddlers, Cheddar and Kennewik, nearby. They had funny names back in those days. Dave and Sandy were able to definitively deduce their names by the orange reflective USCG sticker that was just barely hanging on to the rotten wood of the dugout. No paddles were found, probably because they were of the illicit and highly coveted Greenland variety with an artificially inflated value far beyond their actual worth, like the Switzer and Semper Augustus tulips from the same region (see last month’s installment for the full explanation). Cheddar’s and Kennewik’s paddles were surely pilfered and resold on the black market, just like the treasures of the pharaohs.
One can easily imagine that Cheddar and Kennewick subscribed to Bertrand Russell’s philosophy, “A life without adventure is likely to be unsatisfying, but a life in which adventure is allowed to take whatever form it will is sure to be short.” They were bragging and showing off, and fell in with a bad crowd in front of a bar at just the wrong time when the government was taking notice. Tale as old as time - the innocent, clueless and stupid fell victim to the organized, ruthless and stupid.
Q: What spiritual meaning do canoes hold for the faithful?
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White Stone Canoe
for the Super Faithful |
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White Stone Canoe
for the Ordinary |
A: The Canadian Slavey and Chipewyan peoples believe that, upon death, the soul of the deceased boards a stone canoe for a slow paddle across a large lake. A good soul makes it safely to the other side, where game and firewood are plentiful. An evil soul sinks in the canoe (which I’m thinking might be more of a stone paddleboard with a negative weight-to-displacement ratio), spending eternity in the water’s chilly depths. I’m not so sure where that leaves the not-so good, but not-so-evil soul, but hopefully God has a way of dealing with that most highly probable mix. Maybe they get to a different other side than the super-good soul, where the firewood is wet and the game is skunk.
I have to believe that, with God in charge, these stone canoes will be recycled. And I wonder how fast they can be recycled, and if God has an inventory of these stone canoes sufficient to cover all contingencies. For example, if there’s a big battle, maybe some of the warriors have to wait for some period of time for one to become available.
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| Lines at Disneyland |
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Time to Front
of Line App |
Maybe that’s why some people linger, just barely clinging to life for some time, like waiting in a line at Disneyland for the groups that died ahead of you to snag the next available conveyances until you are finally at the front and the next one is yours. I wonder if there is an app . . .
Q: What is “quartering”?
A: “Quartering” is where a trip coordinator divides his/her trip into 4 parts, and, according to tradition, gives himself a quarter for every part completed. The first quarter consists of pre-trip research, notification, publication, announcement, administration and arrangements. The second part includes assembling everyone, the shuttle (if applicable), getting boats unloaded and prepped, checking for PFDs and waivers, and setting the GPS. The third quarter is the actual time on the water - the launch and getting going in the right direction for a couple of hours, the lunch stop (often skipped by Bruce), taking photos and paddling to the take-out. The fourth quarter stops the GPS, counts noses to see if we are above the threshold of acceptable losses, and progresses to loading boats, completing the shuttle (if applicable), and going home. As in the first quarter, only the trip coordinator goes into the fifth quarter (AKA “overtime”) with ACA reports and accounting, and trip reports, photos and waivers to the Newsletter Editor, Purser and Fleet Captain. After all of this is done, the trip coordinator rewards himself/herself with his/her 5 quarters and a quick trip to Jack-in-the-Box for two tacos, which used to cost less than $1.25 with tax ($0.99 + $0.08 = $1.07), but now costs $1.41 ($1.30 + $0.11 + $1.41). But I’m still okay because of all of the sub $1.25 rewards I bought myself over the years.
Q: What is a thwart on a canoe?
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| Chariot Thwart |
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Chariot Thwart |
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Thwart Closing in on
Judah Ben Hur |
A: Do you remember the scene in Ben Hur where the evil chariot racer had some kind of wicked-looking blade spinning on his hubs that could grind away the wheels of his opponents? Well, it’s not that. But it does have the same general purpose.
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The Slicer-
A Safari Offensive Favorite |
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Safari Air Bags
(Defensive) |
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Reinforced Thwart with an
Offensive Psychological Kicker |
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TWS
Offensive and Defensive Aluminum |
In distance canoe racing, like on the Texas Water Safari (TWS), canoe enthusiasts reinforce the bows of their boats and attempt to make them as strong and pointy as possible, both for cutting through the water (their legitimate purpose) and for skewering competing canoes, thus thwarting them from beating the thwarters to the finish line. You don’t believe me? Why do you think they would make a canoe like the green one above if that wasn’t necessary to deflect all of those reinforced thwarts? Why do you think they started making canoes out of aluminum? Hint: it wasn’t because they’re light. The idea is for the thwarter to get on a stretch of river hidden from the eyes of the officials early in the race, and take out as many potential rivals as possible, thereby increasing the thwarter’s chances to win, place or show.
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Arnold Galloping through Hotel
(Sorry) |
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Arnold Borrows a Harrier
(Sorry) |
As you pass by your sinking victim, the tradition is to say, “Sorry,” as if you had no idea that your canoe would plow into him, just like in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s chase scene in “True Lies” when he borrowed a horse from a mounted policeman and galloped into a hotel after the perp, apologizing as people in the lobby and halls dodged out of his way, and apologizing again to the old couple in the elevator that had to squeeze into a corner to make room for the horse, and again when he crushed the police cars while taking off from the bridges of the Florida Keys in the appropriated Harrier jump jet to stop the Jihadi guy from launching a nuclear weapon. Just like Arnold, you should say “Sorry” so tradition can compensate for your rudeness and barbarism, and absolve you of any personal responsibility for the destruction of property and of all hope in your fellow racers.
MUG O’ THE MONTH:
OVERHEARD . . .
