AUTHOR’S NOTE: This column is intended to be entertaining at the expense of truth and accuracy, but I sneak in some good information as well. It is up to the reader to distinguish between entertainment and reality.
Fartlek Dispersion
Q: What is “fartlek kayaking?
A: It is socially distanced kayaking which takes advantage of a person’s inherent negative reactions to unpleasantness, in this case smell, which then naturally creates the appropriate physical space between paddlers. On a side note, this is also the main reason that tandem kayaks ruin so many otherwise happy marriages.
Q: How do you figure out shuttles?
Missionaries & Cannibals
A: First you get good at the Missionaries and Cannibals puzzle. What? You don’t know about that one? Well, three missionaries and three cannibals must cross a river using a boat which can carry at most two people, under the constraint that, for both banks, if there are missionaries present on the bank, they cannot be outnumbered by cannibals (if they were, the cannibals would eat the missionaries). The boat cannot cross the river by itself with no people on board. Once you have mastered that, you are qualified, in that you have the basic skills necessary, to attempt to construct a shuttle. Note that whereas the missionaries and cannibals exercise deals with three variables – cannibals, missionaries and boats - the shuttle increases the complexity in that you have to account for four variables - vehicles, people, gear and boats.
Whether anyone shows up to witness your genius in the COVID world is another matter entirely.
Q: How do you, as an alert and conscientious paddler, know at the earliest point when you might need to prepare to lend assistance?
Bridge entry
Committed
A: You can be pretty sure an emergency situation is brewing when you hear one of your paddling companions say, “Hey, watch this!” Another “red flag” expression is, “Here I go!”
There is one additional expression of note that gives you more time to prepare, which is (drum roll) “Alright, let’s go make some bad decisions”. This has the added advantage of maintaining a high level of anxiety in the event coordinator throughout the entire duration of the event.
Q: Who was the first world-record-holding canoeist?
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Gorm's Marker
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A: First documented award-winning canoeist was Gorm Jergenson, who was a teenager in one of what are today known as the Norwegian fjords. In his day there were still glaciers in many of the fjords with sills only a few feet above the water level, and young Gorm, exclaiming, “Hey, watch this!” distinguished himself as the first human ever to attempt a “glacial entry”. This did not end well for Gorm, who was doing quite well until his canoe hit an unseen rock protruding from the glacial ice that tipped him over just as he was about to go airborne off the ledge. His body was found a couple of days later floating near shore, frozen stiff and partially gnawed by bears. NOTE: Gorm was not wearing a USCG-approved PFD and he was not dressed for immersion.
Q: Where is the famous canoeing destination that claims the women are strong, the men are good looking, and all the children are above average?
A: This would be Lake Wobegone, Minnesota, near the Canadian border. That’s right, in the land of 10,000 lakes and the headwaters of the Mississippi River, which is about as wide as Cypress Creek when you get that far north. This is where you will find one of the major put-ins for the elusive “Boundary Waters”. It is called “the Lake Wobegone put-in”. Another fun fact about this paddling haven includes its city motto, "Sumus Quot Sumus" ("We are what we are"). This is thought to be the origin of our more modern version, “Est sicut factum est” (roughly translated, “It is what it is”), a common expression when portaging in the Boundary Waters while simultaneously battling and breathing in clouds of mosquitos. Serendipitously connected with the answer to the question in my previous entry, if you ever happen to find yourself at the Lake Wobegone put-in with a few extra minutes to spare before you have to get on the water, be sure to visit the Statue of the Unknown Norwegian (so called because the model left the site before the sculptor could get his name). I speculate that this model was very likely a descendant of one of Gorm’s siblings.
Q: What words of wisdom from Master Yoda apply best to kayaking?
Yoda dispensing advice in Champion Lake
A: “Mind what you have learned. Save you it can.”
A close second is; “You must learn control.”
And, applicable to our sketchy times today; “Always in motion is the future.”
MUG O’ THE MONTH:
OVERHEARD . . .