AUTHOR’S NOTE: This column is intended to be entertaining at the expense of truth and accuracy, but I sneak in some good information as well. It is up to the reader to distinguish between entertainment and reality. SPOILER ALERT: You would be wise to lean toward entertainment.
Q: What is the most you can put in a canoe?
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One-Man Movers |
A: There are “specifications” for each make and model of canoe, but they are really just conservative suggestions. I think the guy in the photo is approaching an upper limit of some kind – possibly on a mission to determine the margin between specification and actual carrying capacity of that particular canoe. Please note that this would be a pathetic waste of time as the research could not be applied to other canoes, since this is a one-of-a-kind hand-made canoe.
In the spirit of Occam’s razor, which, roughly translated from its original Latin, states that “entities should not be multiplied without necessity”, or, even more loosely translated, “the simplest explanation is most likely the right one”, perhaps this guy just got an exceptional deal at Gallery Furniture and couldn’t wait for the same-day delivery.
Q: What is a “nictitating membrane”?
A1: A layer added to high-end sunglasses, sort of like a polarizing filter, but even more specialized. It clarifies the image, sharpening the edges by increasing the contrast while balancing the incoming light levels. If you have 20/40 vision, it will improve it to 20/20 in bright sunlight.
A2: a flap of skin in the skull of a dolphin that resonates and pops, creating the clicking sounds we heard so often on the popular TV show “Flipper” (1964-1967).
A3: A membrane that nictitates
A4: The main filtration component in a Katadyn water filter.
A5: The physical deformity that contributes to a tendency to stutter.
NOTE: Answer #3 is accurate, if somewhat circular and unhelpful, much like the logic behind the naming of the song “Alice’s Restaurant Massacree” by Arlo Guthrie (1967). For those of you who may not have been properly educated, the first part of this Ozarkian classic goes like this:
This song is called Alice's Restaurant
It's about Alice
And the restaurant
But Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant
It's just the name of the song
And that's why I call the song Alice's Restaurant
Q: On multi-day trips, what is the best way to minimize cargo, or “luggage”?
What's for dinner?
A: Find food and water along the way, which is often referred to as “scavenging”. This is a strategy where all of the motivations align optimally. What I mean is, the longer you go without food, the harder you will try to get food, and the more types of food will eventually look attractive to you. While the motivations increase over time, unfortunately there is an inflection point where lack of success over time will impair physical capability such that it will not support the motivations. First lesson of Engineering (and, in fact, of life): There’s always a tradeoff. Continuing the idea of tradeoffs, the increasing motivations/benefits of hunger will necessarily slow forward progress of the voyage while more time and energy is dedicated to the capture/collection of food. Ah, the delicate balances and feedback systems of nature . . .
Q: Can you give a specific example of something you would say in alignment with Item #7 of the ACA Trip Leading infographic: “Ask your participants questions that give them an opportunity to talk about themselves?”
A: Sure, I would be happy to. After careful consideration of the laws of chivalry concerning the weak (ref: Don Quijote, by Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra), societal mores about no one being perfect (ref: Billy Wilder and I. A. L. Diamond in Some Like It Hot), and scriptural references to everyone being a sinner (Ref: Romans 3:23), I’m pretty sure I would lead with: “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Q: What is your opinion about the “Wearable Canoe”?
A1: You have got to be kidding! - Seriously?
A2: A prime example of “truth is stranger than fiction”.
A3: Could this be the latest, and first gender-based, iteration of the packraft?
A4: Please refer to the conclusion in the last line of the “Item #7” question just before this one.
BONUS ANSWER: I’m trying to figure out how this is deployed. Do you have to remove the skirt and then inflate it and get in it, or do you pop a CO2 cartridge while you’re wearing it and leave the lower half of your body in the water? In either case, is it recommended that you wear swimming suit bottoms with this outfit? Is a paddle hidden somewhere in the skirt, or are you on your own to improvise? I’m guessing that the designer might not have included a repair kit, so the PFD value of this idea could be compromised. BOTTOM LINE (my opinion): This looks like a less than stellar idea.
Q: What caused the position in which this kayaker finds himself?
A1: He was shot out of a cannon.
A2: I don’t know, but look at that cool paddle!
A3: Storm surge
A4: He got too close to a whale
A5: A helluva lot of COVID individuals coordinated by Antifa and their other local community organizers
Q: What is “depressed dissolved oxygen”?
A: This is when CO2 levels increase to the point where Al Gore, self-proclaimed inventor of the internet, is screaming at all of the assembled molecules in the cabin of his large private jet, and the O2 takes it personally. It goes to a secluded corner of the cabin where it is feeling hopeless and overwhelmed, and, sobbing convulsively, starts to dissolve in its tears. Fortunately, it is there in the corner of the cabin that our O2 buddy keeps an emergency stash of Prozac, Cymbalta and Paxil, and it combines with an overdose of the blessed remedies. It comes back from the brink and continues its existence as O2, now proudly returning to the center of the cabin where big Al is sound asleep next to his still lit, energy-efficient LED reading lamp, dreaming of the carbon credits he will be paying himself as his personal jet follows a commercial airliner all the way back to New York.
Q: Last month you led with the jet canoe. Has anyone built and demonstrated a jet kayak?
Video link: here
A: Strange you should ask. In fact, and as you can see in the picture and its accompanying video, a guy wasted two years of his life bringing one of these babies to life based on a two-stroke jet engine in a play boat. Start the video clip about half-way through to skip the blah, blah, blah of the self-important and hyperbolic narrator setting up the completely arbitrary and irrelevant “reality show” situation of a heart-stopping race between the kayak and a Land Rover conversion in Iceland.
OVERHEARD . . .
MUG O’ THE MONTH: