AUTHOR’S NOTE: This column is intended to be funny at the expense of truth and accuracy, but I sneak in some good information as well. It is up to the reader to distinguish between entertainment and reality.
Q: Is kayaking dangerous?
A: I will answer this question with a series of clarifying questions that will help frame the proposition:
- What is the worst thing that could happen to a Yosemite big-wall rock climber?
- What is the worst thing that could happen to a paraglider?
- What is the worst thing that could happen to a base jumper?
- What is the worst thing that could happen to an ultralight pilot?
- What is the worst thing that could happen to a person walking outside without a mask?
- What is the worst thing that could happen to a cross-country skier?
- What is the worst thing that could happen to a SCUBA diver?
- What is the worst thing that could happen to a front man in a rock band?
- What is the worst thing that could happen to an automobile driver?
- What is the worst thing that could happen to a pedestrian?
That is probably a good enough sample. I can identify with all but two of the above personally, and the worst things that can happen within any of these categories are paralysis and/or death. So, if you as an automobile driver or pedestrian consider those activities safe, then by the transitive property, kayaking is safe (not dangerous).
Q: Since COVID affects so much of our activities these days, how effective exactly are the N95 masks we wear?
A: In purely scientific terms, they are worthless. If you had something about you that attracted a small group of 950 unvigintillion (1x1066) coronaviruses to get into your lungs (it doesn’t work this way), and they were all capable of guiding themselves toward you mouth (they aren’t), and they all decided to go through your mask at the same time (they don’t decide anything), 950 unvigintillion of them would successfully penetrate your mask.
But the masks provide a nice placebo effect, and they help the various governmental entities monitor the level of compliance they can continue to compel in their subjects, and they provide a never-ending supply of entertainment at Walmart.
Actually . . . (I’m making this far too easy for you): USA Today Fact Check N-95 Filters
Q: What is an “emergency hatch cover”?
|
Emergency CO2 Hatch Cover on Standby
|
| |
 |
Emergency CO2 Hatch Cover (deployed)
|
| |
 |
| Deluxe Hydrogen Emergency & Scouting Hatch Cover (deployed) |
A: This is a very useful safety appliance for when one mistakenly tries to paddle an umiak thinking it is a kayak, or vice versa. Emergency hatch covers replace the regular rubber hatch covers and have a CO2 cartridge that automatically inflates a float if it goes underwater, keeping your kayak afloat even as it fills with water. It works much like the inflatable PFDs that provide so much comic relief when one of them slides off the deck into the water during one of our breaks.
NOTE: there is a deluxe hydrogen “convenience” version of the emergency hatch cover (for non-smokers) that will lift you up to five feet above the river to scout rapids from the discomfort of your kayak seat, also available for canoes.
IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP: This requires precise pre-trip trimming to avoid an overstimulating preview of the rapids.
Q: If you had money to burn, what accessory would you buy to enhance your joy of kayaking?
A: Besides a deluxe emergency hatch cover? It would have to be a “Bumfortable” for my long boat. This nifty prophylactic adheres to the outside of your hull, preventing sharp rocks from puncturing it and ripping up your butt. It must be noted that this is one of those all-too-often and unfortunate cases where the design is at exact odds with the circumstances where it could be most effective. For example, if rocks were going to pierce the hull where your butt is, the bumfortable would get hung up on those same rocks, forcing you to move your butt even further from the rocks as you get out of your kayak to get moving again. Oh well, at least you’ll be able to sit comfortably around the campfire while everyone else is complaining about their bleeding butts.
Q: I have heard about what seems to be an insider experience with a kraken. What is this about?
A: This came up on a couple of our overnight outings – I think it appeared at least once on one of our Big Bend trips on the Rio Grande/Bravo. We were sitting around the campfire, recounting the incredible sights and experiences of the day as we were finishing off our dinners, when we noticed a cracking sound off in the distance. We didn’t pay much attention to it for a while, but we noticed that it started getting louder, and then a LOT louder. Then it stopped, and all was quiet. We swiveled out headlamps around and didn’t see anything. Amy had not finished all of her Thai chicken meal, and the envelope was in the dirt next to her. The envelope started shaking a little. Amy turned on her headlamp and looked inside, whereupon a hideous, not-so-miniature version of Alien burst out of the bag and skittered off into the rocks, making the cracking sound. After the trip, we googled “Alien” and there it was – the nymph stage of a dragonfly that becomes active after dark at the full moon. The Kraken.
Q: If your vehicle does not come with roof racks, which is better, Yakima or Thule?
A: If you drive a Volvo, Saab or Scania, you should definitely use Thule racks, as they are all designed in Sweden. If you drive an American car, both racks will work well, as both are made in America, although Yakima is outsourcing to Mexico and China, so if you drive a late model Audi Q5, BMW 5 Series, Chevrolet Silverado or Cruze, Nissan Sentra or VW Jetta, you should stick with Yakima. Although, in a strange quirk of fate, the Volvo S60 and S90 are now built in China, along with the Buick Envision and Cadillac CT6 Plug-in Hybrid. With this kind of identity crisis, you might be tempted to go with Rhino (Australia), or, if the confusion becomes too much to handle, as the saying goes, there is more than one way to skin a cat. Actually, that is a horrible saying if you give it any conscious thought. Let’s change it to, “there’s more than one way to accomplish what you have in mind”. It seems you can carry far more kayaks with no rack at all (please see illustration below).
OVERHEARD . . .
MUG O’ THE MONTH: