AUTHOR’S NOTE: This column is intended to be funny at the expense of truth and accuracy, but I sneak in some good information as well. It is up to the reader to distinguish between entertainment and reality.
NEED MORE AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION – PLEASE SEND QUESTIONS TO: kentwalters@gmail.com
Q: Since “kayak” (or “kaiak”) is an Inuit word meaning “man-boat”, is there a corresponding word for “woman-boat”?
Umiak Rental Orientation
A: Sure, that would be “umiak”, from which we can surmise that about half of the kayaks in our club are actually umiaks. And woe betide he who mistakenly uses an umiak in place of a kayak. Just like in “Men’s Brains, Women’s Brains” (link here), everything a man might try in an umiak will backfire spectacularly. This explains the many times I found myself unexpectedly swimming in my earlier years of kayaking, before I was aware of the difference.
Q: I recently paddled among the derelict vessels in Mallows Bay Marine Sanctuary. Why did so many wooden steamships sink there?
Mallows Bay
Kayaking in Mallows Bay
A1: Can you think of a better place for almost 100 wooden steamships to sink?
A2: Most ships sink where they are when they cannot float anymore. Think about that for a while. In the case of Mallows Bay, there was a huge slaughter at the end of WWI, which involved a German U-Boat and a large flock of steamships that were made of wood and did not have great defensive capabilities. When Commander Walther Forstmann of the Kaiserliche Marine (Imperial German Navy), captain of U-39, found these supply ships all huddled together in Mallows Bay, it was like shooting fish in a barrel. But not exactly. You see, it is unknown how many torpedoes Herr Forstmann had when he encountered the fleet, but if he had not used any of them on his trans-Atlantic crossing, he would have had exactly 6. We know he used three of them to sink the only iron ship that was in the bay, and then after 1, 2, or 3 more torpedoes, he proceeded to ram the rest of the ships with his metal U-Boat, one by one, until they were all sitting on the bottom of the bay.
Walt
U-39
Q: What is a “sweep” stroke?
A: This is the stroke you use when there is debris in front of your boat. It is easier in a canoe where you can move closer to the front and place the paddle right in front of the bow where you can wiggle it back and forth to clear the way. In a kayak, one has a longer paddle that can reach the bow, but then the bow is in the way, making it much more difficult to make a path. This requires a special and difficult extra step to position a kayak appropriately before attempting the sweep stroke (see photo below). That is why it takes more skill to paddle a kayak.
In Position for Sweep Stroke
Q: As I approach a boulder-strewn rapid and see other lines that contradict the original line I planned, should I go ahead and change my mind about my line, or stick with the plan?
A: Do NOT change your mind. This is far too complex of an undertaking to start when you are in the middle of a rapid, and the environment is not sterile enough for that kind of a procedure. And where are you going to get the replacement brain parts when you’re in the middle of a rapid? This is something you should have thought about earlier – much earlier. No matter how good you are at multitasking, this is not the time or place for it. Some people just don’t realize how delicate brain surgery is. Your question indicates you are one of these, and that you might indeed benefit from a change of mind.
Q: What are the typical vices of a heron?
Heron using misdirection in a magic trick
A: When we observe herons, they are usually engaged in survival activities, like fishing or judging the distance and attitude of approaching kayakers. What we don’t often see are their discretionary activities when they don’t think anyone is watching. For example, who would have guessed that a heron could pick its nose or smoke a joint? Some herons have learned to perform magic tricks in their spare time. Another favorite leisure-time activity of the heron is clandestinely watching naked members of the opposite sex. Not often witnessed is the combination survival/entertainment pastime of eating a baby heron (hey, protein is protein) Link: here
Q: What is the key to getting a spray deck on the kayak?
A1: Double jointed shoulders, elbows and wrists, along with eyes that can move from the back of your head to the front, as needed.
A2: Make sure everything you might need while you are paddling is outside of the area you are covering.
A3: Have a spray deck that is big enough for the cockpit it is supposed to be covering.
NOTE: One of these answers is accurate and addresses the question. Another of the answers is true, but not relevant.
Q: How can the medical examiners tell if a death is by drowning or by head injury in a whitewater incident?
A: This used to involve some technical work – examining the lungs and such things. After the examination, it would be reported that the cause of death “was consistent with "____________” (fill in the blank). Now cause of death is automatically classified and reported as COVID-19 (twice) to maintain the crisis through manufactured panic as long as possible. This serves two purposes:
- To bolster the numbers in the national “statistics” (furthering the national political agenda)
- To further discourage watersports, thereby making this a less happy world (a niche political agenda)
OVERHEARD . . .
MUG O’ THE MONTH:
