Paddling Perspectives:
Your Cosmic Paddling Questions Answered
June 2020
by Kent Walters
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This column is intended to be funny at the expense of truth and accuracy, but I sneak in some good information as well. It is up to the reader to distinguish between entertainment and reality.
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COVID-19 UDATE: Continuing discussion from last month as it relates to our paddling niche:
1. How does COVID-19 affect paddling?
A: Last month I answered this question in a general sense, explaining how it reduces overall peace, harmony and happiness in the world. This month I will address the specific effects of COVID-19 on paddling – that is, if you are infected with corona virus, how will it impact your paddling. SPOILER ALERT: Since most of us are not very good at paddling in the first place, it can’t have a huge effect.
IF FOUND – CONTACT Label
It depends on which stage of the COVID-19 process you find yourself in. At the beginning, you will not notice any difference. After symptoms appear, you might get winded earlier than you usually would. If it goes to the next level, there are those who believe your paddling skills will improve dramatically as you move on to the next level of existence. In case no one is watching, let’s just hope you filled out the orange ACA sticker and stuck it to your canoe, so the Coast Guard will know who to report in the daily statistics when your empty boat turns up.
2. Does the COVID-19 virus live on the surface of the water?
COVID-19 on a water lily
A: As I mentioned last month, COVID-19 does not have muscles, and therefore cannot swim, so it’s obvious that it would not be floating on the water. It is possible that one or two (or several hundred billion) could land on a lily pad or cypress knee, so watch where you put your hands (as if you could see them).
3. How do I know if a fellow paddler is contagious with corona virus?
Contagious Paddler’s PFD
A: He/she will have a red “C” on his/her PFD. The precedent for this is Hester Prynne in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s "The Scarlet Letter". This lets you know that you should shun him/her, and that you are inherently better than him/her. You have the moral high ground. You are expected to flaunt this superiority.
4. Can the COVID-19 virus run up my paddle and get on my hands that way?
A: No muscles = no running or walking. Can’t happen.
All that said, limit exposure any way you can – wash your hands, don’t touch your mouth, nose or eyes, stay safe.
Moving on . . .
Q: Are there kayaks in heaven?
A: Of course there are! It has been said that all good things are in heaven, so, along with dogs, beer and Aunt Thelma, that would certainly include kayaks and canoes (except for the mushroom variety). In fact, I’ve heard that Peter has an inventory of kayaks right next to the pearly gates for those who are anxious to get started right away. You have to time your demise just right to get one of the really light paddles, but PFDs are not an issue any more.
Further evidence of kayaks in heaven is the entity “Almost Heaven Kayak Adventures” which pretty much proves that you can get issued a kayak just before entering heaven.
Q: What do you have against “Hello Kitty”??
Hello Kitty
A: How much time do you have?
To save our precious time, let me give you the short version. There was a moment in time when a spectacular matte black Dodge Challenger, perfectly raked, was approaching me. I was coveting admiring it as it passed by me, and then, there it was – a large, pink “Hello Kitty” decal plastered across the rear window! What a buzz kill! Suffice it to say that, ever since that moment, whenever an optimal scenario is ruined, “Hello Kitty” leaps to mind.
Q: What is a kayak “boof”?
IMPORTANT NOTE:
If you type this into a search engine to verify my definition, be sure to search for “kayak boof”, not just “boof”.
. . . or you can just watch the video at this link: "How to boof a kayak".
Shorter, no keel and more rocker, please.
A: In nautical terminology, “boof” is a combination of the words “boat” and “goof”, so it is, in essence, a boating mistake. Common boofs in the paddling world include putting on a spray skirt with the grab handle under the skirt, paddling with the back sides of your paddle’s blades, selecting a flat-water boat for a whitewater trip (see photo above), and putting a “Hello Kitty” decal anywhere on your boat.
Q: What kind of bird is this?
A: This is a profornicated warbler, which helps explain why there are so many of them in our swampy woodlands.
OVERHEARD . . .
“Give me ambiguity, or give me something else.”
MUG O’ THE MONTH:
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| The author, Kent Walters |