Paddling Perspectives:
Your Cosmic Paddling Questions Answered
May 2020
by Kent Walters
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This column is intended to be funny at the expense of truth and accuracy, but I sneak in some good information as well. It is up to the reader to distinguish between entertainment and reality.
COVID-19: Since the hot topic of the day is coronavirus, we will take a few moments and dedicate a few lines to deal with it as it affects our niche world of paddling:
1. How does COVID-19 affect paddling?
A: The same way it affects everything else – makes it socially unacceptable, reducing opportunity and giving unsympathetic spouses an opportunity to object to any plan of getting out on the water, thus reducing overall peace, harmony and happiness in the world.
2. Are there any positive effects of the coronavirus outbreak on paddling?
A: While restrictions remain in place, pollution levels may decrease due to reduced toxic industrial releases. It is difficult to tell at this point what the exact visible effects of this might be.
Unfortunately, the timing of the COVID-19 restrictions cancelled the 2020 trash bashes, so while little additional trash will accumulate, the trash that had already accumulated will not decrease from those levels, leaving us with maximum trash load in our beloved bayous for when we can return to them.
We hope the next crisis is timed such that trash bashes can be completed to take optimum advantage of the crisis.
3. How is the coronavirus like a paddler?
Comparison
A: It is protein surrounded by a layer of fat, like most of us.
4. How is coronavirus different from us?
657.4 Trillion COVID-19 Seated in a Hybrid Kayak
A: It should be noted that since coronavirus, like all viruses and unlike us, is not a life form, it cannot be killed, so all of the talking heads that go on and on about killing coronavirus are technically stupid. We can make it decay or disintegrate faster with soap, heat and Everclear, but we are not actually killing anything. We are just removing the protective fat layer and exposing the protein to the naturally destructive effects of the environment – very organic.
Also, coronavirus is different from us because it cannot smile or frown, it cannot paddle a canoe or kayak (no muscles), and it is substantially smaller.
5. Why is COVID-19 so much more aggressive than other viruses?
A: It’s a little-known fact that COVID-19 is sensitive and inversely proportional to peace, joy and happiness, and that it developed primarily in response to canoe and kayaking activities because of their inherent amplifying effects on those qualities of life. Research further shows that the recent ferocious intensity of the attacks correlates precisely with the timing of my Buffalo River trip and the placeholder announcement of my Big Bend trip. As if further proof of these facts was necessary, a huge body of research demonstrates and confirms this absolute root cause of the coronavirus outbreak with the flattening and overall decrease in the infection and death rate curves corresponding to the timing of the cancellation of my Buffalo River trip. So, consistent with most natural disasters of any magnitude, and in the succinct words of my wife, it’s all my fault. Sorry . . .
All that said, limit exposure any way you can - stay safe.
Moving on . . .
Q: What are thigh straps for?
A: When paddling anything without a spray deck, whether a canoe or kayak, water from the paddle will inevitably drip onto one’s thighs, leaving unsightly, if temporary, water spots. Thigh straps are strategically positioned to deflect most of these drips, with the runoff conveniently collecting in one’s crotch for an even more unsightly result.
Q: What is a spray deck?
Before Spray Deck
A: Some kayaks come with the manufacturer’s name, model or logo prominently displayed on the deck of the kayak (please see photo above). A spray deck is the innovative approach of spray-painting over this obnoxious free advertising with epoxy paint. This can add to or subtract from the overall appearance of the kayak, depending on how much care is exercised in the application of the spray paint. As technology has evolved, spray decks can also be applied with decals, resulting in a more predictable and professional appearance. As noted in previous articles, this can be an opportunity to increase the speed of your kayak with flames or slow it down with “Hello Kitty” images.
After Spray Deck
Q: I recently heard about a canoe made out of mushrooms. What are your thoughts about fungal mycelium as a material for canoes or kayaks? Is there a future in this?
Mushroom Canoe
Mushroom Canoe Outfitting
A1: My thoughts: First and foremost, that is one butt-ugly watercraft. I think the marketing staffs at Wenonah and Current Designs would earn their pay if they could sell any of these. I think significant improvements would need to be made in outfitting – most paddlers have become accustomed to creature comforts, like seats or pedestals. I think the pallet jack supporting this 8-foot empty boat says it all when considering its weight of 100 pounds. I think it would be interesting to see how long it would stand up to a float down the Pecos – what would sink it first, the rocks or the leeches and fish? I think production costs would be astronomical given the time required for the material to progress to a finished state. I think the molluscivores described by John Rich in his hard-hitting investigative report on snails in the April newsletter (be sure to open the photo captioned “Swiss cheese!”) would have a field day with this material. That’s what I think, since you asked for my thoughts.
A2: Does it have a future? Of course it has a future. As long as engineers breathe, anything is possible. This is a prototype, and as such is only expected to answer the feasibility question. Hell, it’s a lot like fiberglass mat, and adding other materials/chemicals/processes (bonding, pressure and temperature), this could easily become a more rigid, light, resilient, attractive and marketable material. Of course, those improvements might tend to offset its current ecological selling points, as often happens. Also, there’s the matter of prioritization . . .
MUG O’ THE MONTH:
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| The author, Kent Walters |