AUTHOR’S NOTE: This column is intended to be funny at the expense of truth and accuracy, but I sneak in some good information as well.  It is up to the reader to distinguish between entertainment and reality.

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Q: How many cup holders should a canoe have?

Photo courtesy of Youtube

A1: It depends. How much and how often do you drink? Do you limit your drinking to one type of liquid at a time, or do you have water in one hand while you are reaching for a Mr. Pibb? If so, you are not doing much paddling and you should consider drinking before you get in your canoe, or taking up another hobby.
A2: One.
A3: Two
A4: Is this really a consideration when you are purchasing a canoe?
A5: With the possible exception of my hybrid, I have not seen cup holders come as a standard equipment option on a canoe, but I have seen a few aftermarket solutions.
A6: If integrated cup holders are important to you, buy a kayak.

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Q: Where is the best place to buy a kayak?


It depends. Used or new? Sea Kayak, multi-purpose, whitewater, SOT, surfing, tandem, expedition, crossover, surf ski or downriver? Is color / pattern important to you? Light and fragile (Kevlar), or heavy and robust (rotomolded polyethylene)? When you figure out those variables, buy it wherever the best kayak for the kind of kayaking you want to do for the lowest price is being sold.

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Q: What is the difference between a painter and a bow line?

A1: Seriously? Do you have a problem with memory retention? Referencing the Word of the Month from last month, look at the photos there and then look at the photo of the bow line above.
A2: When in doubt, call it a painter, because then you wouldn’t sound like an idiot calling an aft painter a bow line.

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Q: How can I tell if I got a good deal on my kayak or canoe?

A1: Do you like it? If yes, you got a good deal. If no, you got a lousy deal. Sell it.
A2: Once you buy it, it is best not to rethink it.

Photo courtesy of Christy Long

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Q: How fast can an athlete on his best day paddle a kayak solo?

A: How fast relative to what?
Relative to the shore in flat water, 13 mph was accomplished for 30 seconds.
Adding in the rotation of the earth, assuming vectors align positive, about 1,013 mph
Relative to the sun (orbit), and if vectors line up to max possible, 69,413 mph
Relative to the center of our galaxy (orbit), vectors lining up at max, 569,013 mph
According to the latest models and doing the math with Hubble’s constant, relative to the center of the expanding universe, vectors at max, a best effort would get you to about 2,059,413 mph (46 miles/sec/mpc* 9 mpc) – Please feel free to check my arithmetic.
NOTE: Per Monty Python’s (aka John Cleese) “Galaxy Song”, it would be 670,769,013 mph (almost 600,000 mph greater than the speed of light)

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Q: What is the origin of the International Scale of River Difficulty (Class 1-5+)??

A: It started with the Romans, who measured pretty much everything. In fact, When Caesar crossed the Rubicon in January of 49 AD, he had much the same feeling that we do when we go into a rapid. He was quoted as saying, “The die is cast”.

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MUG O’ THE MONTH:

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The author, Kent Walters