Paddling Perspectives: Your Cosmic Paddling Questions Answered
February 2020
by Kent Walters
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This column is intended to be funny at the expense of truth and accuracy, but I sneak in some good information as well. It is up to the reader to distinguish between entertainment and reality.
NEW FEATURE: “MUG O’ THE MONTH”
Q: In our Pickett’s Bayou / Old River Christmas bird count, we logged a titmouse. What led the person who first named this bird to call it a titmouse?
A1: This little bird was first observed joining some baby mice in feeding time at the mother mouse, thus acquiring the name of “titmouse bird”. Word order was dictated by the Olmec language, which was the native language of this first observer. The name was translated to all other languages from Olmec, maintaining its original structure in the English translation. Over time, the name was shortened to simply “titmouse” to conserve space on Audubon Society count lists.
Bonus answer: there are other birds in the same family, and knowing the etymology of titmouse as we now do, one can easily deduce the origin of the name for the blue tit (a little bird getting its nourishment from a very cold mouse). Isn’t it amazing how just a small measure of knowledge can multiply and enrich one’s life so much!
Q: What is “risk creep”?
A: This is a person who does not know much about actuarial tables and takes unnecessary risks in inherently dangerous situations. In canoeing and kayaking, you would observe this person in action in a risky situation, like going with the flow sideways into a sweeper, and, if you did not have a PC filter of sufficient strength, you would naturally say, “what a creep!” If your PC filter was sufficiently strong to keep you from saying it, you would think it.
Q: Another bird question – do turkey vultures eat turkey?
A: A turkey vulture will eat any animal – mammal, reptile, bird, fish, etc. - that is recently dead, so if said turkey is fresh road kill, yes, a turkey vulture will eat it. The turkey vulture seems to have no moral compass when it comes to potential meals bearing strong resemblance to its arbitrary name in English. Perhaps this is because English is not the native tongue of the vulture. This is difficult to tell because the vulture has no syrinx and cannot speak well. But it can hear fine, so if its native language is Spanish, for example, it would be called a jote or zopilote – not a very close match to pavo (turkey). So, assuming turkey vultures’ first language is Spanish, there would be no guilt associated with feeding on turkeys, even from a linguistic point of view. Which brings us to another interesting question – do turkey vultures feel guilt? That would certainly be true if they are raised Catholic, as would likely be the case if they are native Spanish speakers, but they’re not saying because of that missing syrinx . . .
Q: I’ve heard that a rough rule of thumb for calculating the distance between lightning and yourself is to count the seconds between the observed flash and the start of the thunder associated with that flash, and divide by 5, which will give you the number of miles between you and that particular bolt of lightning. So here’s my question: Could I make that calculation earlier by sticking my head in the water and listening for the thunder underwater?
A1: You could try that.
A2: Theoretically that would work because sound travels faster as the density of the medium increases, and in water it is about 4.3x faster. If you want to work it out for yourself, here is the equation:
So, for every 1.16 seconds between flash and bang, add 1 mile between you and the threat.
And do be sure to tell me how it works out for you.
A3: In practical terms, having a wet head when it is about to start raining with electricity does not seem optimal. Looking for shelter might have a higher return on investment than a Guinness world record for speed of accurately solving for distance, while simultaneously removing you from the pool of contenders for the Darwin Award.
Q: What is a “smart rudder” on a kayak?
A: This is the next step in technology beyond Augmented Reality (AR). It employs a combination of technologies, including Heads-Up-Display, or HUD (for visual input), Ubiquitous Computing (ubicomp, aka “pervasive computing” to link all available devices), FLIR (Forward-Looking Infra-Red), LiDAR (Light Detection and Ranging), Artificial Intelligence (AI to keep improving itself), Computer-Mediated Reality and IoT (Internet of Things for constant connectivity). SmartRudder™ technology takes advantage of all of these disciplines to feed information to a rudder on the back of your kayak to select and execute the optimal path through any possible situation. With its integrated thruster pack, SmartRudder™ will compensate for your paddling mistakes as it is making its calculations based on current, obstructions, air temperature, water temperature, air pressure, wildlife in the area, position of the sun, wind velocity (including gusts), hydraulics from underwater features, weight and trim of your boat, waves, complexities of rapids, all while factoring in your thoughts about what the best outcome would be. Obviously, the basic functions of GPS and calorie counting are included with the base model. It has add-ons that can be purchased separately that will play music suitable to the situation, refill your water bottle, and select the most appropriate nutrition for your current state of nourishment and exercise. Truly remarkable for its $19.95 price tag. But wait, if you act now, you can have five (5) SmartRudder™ for the same low price of $19.95, with free shipping and all add-ons included! What are you waiting for? Call now! Operators are standing by . . .
* Batteries not included.
WORD OF THE MONTH (paddling vocabulary builder): PAINTER
Painter: this is the guy you take your canoe or kayak to when you get sick of its color, or when it gets so faded you cannot remember what color it was. You can tell him what color you want it to be, and he will “paint” your canoe or kayak with that specified color. A high-end painter will be able to paint your boat with different colors outside and inside, as well as adding a high-gloss, lacquer finish (additional cost). Also, you might want to take this opportunity to consider adding flames or shark’s teeth for additional speed on the water (see earlier article about this).
Conversely, you can dramatically slow any boat down by adding a “Hello Kitty” decal anywhere above the waterline.
IT HAS BEEN SAID THAT . . .
At the end of the day, your feet should be dirty, your hair should be messy, and your eyes should be sparkling.
OVERHEARD . . .
Canoeing is the answer.
Who cares what the question is?
MUG O’ THE MONTH:
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| The author, Kent Walters |