Paddling Perspectives
January 2020
by Kent Walters
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This column is intended to be funny, but I sneak in some good information as well.
NEW FEATURE: Word of the Month
Q: Scouting rapids is a lot of work. Is there some other way that would not expose us to sprained ankles, poisonous snakes and the other land-based hazards?
A1: Yes, you can just take it as it comes, and hope for the best. I’m pretty sure that’s how some people have specialized in seeking out waterfalls – they started out surviving some situations by pure dumb luck, and then, just before the one that would have killed them, perhaps because of the amount of noise downstream and the boulder-cluttered terrain around them, they scouted it. Somewhere in the middle between the easy stuff and over-extended luck is a break-even point, but there will come a time where you will either scout or die.
A2: Yes, you can throw a drone out to take a look. This avoids the exposure to sprained ankles, poisonous snakes and other land-based hazards, but it does take some time. Of course this assumes you have the necessary equipment, charged batteries, licenses and skills to run the drone, and that you have the ability to read accurately and interpret correctly the images it feeds back to you.
A3: Yes, if you go with a group, only one person need be exposed to the sprained ankles, poisonous snakes and other land-based hazards. It would be ideal if that person is both trustworthy and knowledgeable.
A4: No.
Q: If I were to ask you to go kayaking with me, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
A1: Yes
A2: Even though the chances of you rejecting my offer are slim to none, just try to puzzle your way through a “NO” response . . .
Q: I am a fan of Dave Berry cartoons. Since he has retired and is not coming out with any new material, do you know of any recent, season-appropriate cartoons of the same ilk?
A: Yes I do, but my wife says the one I like is too dark and, while appropriate to the season, is not appropriate to share with the general public. However, I feel the general public has a right to decide for itself – I mean, who am I to censor? So, with the disclaimer that my wife believes that only people with twisted brains can appreciate the humor of this cartoon, and with the understanding that:
1. at the bottom of the cliff (which is only 7 feet down) are several layers of mattresses floating in a pool of water, and
2. no animals were harmed in the drawing of this cartoon, and
3. the timing might seem a little off unless you consider preparation for 2020
. . . you may expand the following delightful / dreadful image at your own risk:
Q: What is the correct way to carry a guitar on a multi-day canoeing trip?
A: I have thought about this ever since I saw the movie about the 4 guys canoeing downriver with the guitar – the one with the kid playing the banjo from a bridge over the river and the guy in the canoe answering with the guitar. The reason I have thought about this is that I play the guitar, and there is no way I would take any guitar I cared about (and this was most likely a Martin being played by Steve Mandell while an Epiphone was pictured in the hands of Ronny Cox) in a canoe, no matter how compelling the idealized campfire scene could be framed in my mind. But getting back to the question, and ignoring the basic assumption that there is no correct way to do such an incorrect thing, this will have to be answered as a negative hypothesis. Here we go . . . One way not to carry a guitar downriver in a canoe is the way the guy in the movie did it, because, for those who remember the movie, the guy with the guitar died.
WORD OF THE MONTH (paddling vocabulary builder):
IT HAS BEEN SAID THAT . . .
OVERHEARD . . .
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| The author, Kent Walters |