AUTHOR’S NOTE: This column is intended to be funny, but I sneak in some good information as well.  

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Q: What is the best color for a canoe or kayak?

A: Probably bright yellow or lime green or international orange – anything that contrasts vividly with where you usually paddle. Here’s how I arrive at this response so easily – safety is our prime directive, right? We want to be seen on the water, not just for photo ops, but so that other bigger and faster boats can avoid hitting us. Also, if we do get in trouble, it is good for would-be rescuers to be able to find us. Since our water craft is the biggest thing we have, the more visible it is, the more likely we can be spotted.

Bonus: Same goes for color of PFD and paddle blades for same reasons.

NOTE: My current 2 boats are both red and my PFD is blue, so I am not pitching this from the perspective of “mine is best”. Although, red “pops” pretty well in most circumstances . . . maybe a close second to orange.

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Q: Speaking of alligators (huh?), I recently saw a video of a jaguar latching onto a crocodile. Do you think the crocodile suffered?

A: Yes, but, if it’s any consolation to you animal lovers, after witnessing my cat with a lizard, the croc probably did not suffer very long. In fact, his reptilian brain probably only had time to process, “What the . . . Oh shit . . .” before he was meeting his impressive Sarcosuchus imperator ancestors from the Jurassic and Cretaceous.

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Scourge of Degobah		Cypress Forest Near X-Wing Crash Site

Q: Why aren’t kayaks or canoes ever shown in Star Wars movies?

A: I don’t know, but you may have noticed that in Episode V, The Empire Strikes Back, Luke goes to Degobah as directed by a deceased Obi-Wan-Kenobi via The Force, and promptly crashes into Lake Charlotte. If we drained Lake Charlotte, we would see the small crater just south of Alligator Point where this happened. It’s a little-known fact that this is the reason that here we will almost always see a field of American Lotus (previously named Dagobahanian Lotus), floating gently on the water, still sustained by The Force. In fact, if Yoda had not died in Return of the Jedi at the ripe old age of 900 years, he would be a regular installment in Tom Douglas’ “Cypress Wonderland” trips. Now it’s just the lotus.

Dagobahanian Lotus		Cypress Bent by Yoda using The Force

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Q: Can you use the word “schadenfreude” in a sentence about canoeing?

A1: You just did.

A2: Okay, here we go . . . “After days of listening to the canoeists in the group brag about the ease of entry and exit and the load-carrying advantages of their craft, the kayaker experienced a certain amount of schadenfreude when the standing waves she had just paddled through swamped the canoe behind her.”

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 IT HAS BEEN SAID THAT . . .
STRESS is caused by not kayaking enough.

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The author, Kent Walters